


Desideratum

by trustwrites



Category: Supernatural
Genre: But then so is Dean, Lisa is only kind of mentioned, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-19
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 00:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/932755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trustwrites/pseuds/trustwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel may not understand love, but he suspects no one does. Set between S5 and S6, ish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desideratum

The problem with love, Castiel reasons, is that no one ever tells you that it’s stupid.

Angels are led to believe that they are not capable of love, not designed for it, and perhaps that is true. Castiel has never wanted to do things typically associated with love in any of the human cultures he has witnessed, from slowly traveling around a fire while holding hands to watching electronic films they admit beforehand are of subpar quality. Humans have many fascinating rituals but Castiel does not count courtship among them. He finds it largely confusing and tedious.

But Castiel has walked among the humans. He has felt their presence and not found them lacking. In the time he spent among them he realized that they too are bewildered and confounded by their romances. He takes a comfort in it that he did not realize he was capable of. Maybe he cannot understand love, but neither can they. It makes Castiel feel closer to them, more human, and the thrill he feels at that makes him feel sinful and perverse.

He thinks maybe his brethren are fools after all, because love is not all of those things anyway. Love is not just a summation of mating rituals and the crazy dance of hormones that makes the mortal form urge itself into fornication. Love is both more and less mysterious than all that. There is something else there.

There is yearning.

Angels may not think they understand love, but they certainly understand want. And despite popular opinion, angels are given to want specific things. Angels are by nature selfish; they must be. They are innate soldiers, and they must follow orders. They yearn for this, but for other things as well. Some yearn for power, for humanity, for solace, for solitude. They just do not often act on those desires. 

Castiel _yearns_ for Dean Winchester.

He did not know what he wanted from him at first, and that was not fine. It was devastating. This, he realized, was how yearning worked. It was the absence of something that he craved, but he had no idea what the substance of it would be.

And over time, Castiel has realized that the thing he yearns for is simpler and more bewildering than he had previously imagined.

He wishes for Dean Winchester to yearn for him in return.

When Castiel realized this for the first time, he literally took flight, he was so frightened. He did not understand, and he has not begun to understand it, not really.

He knows he cannot call it love, and yet. He has yearned for Dean for longer than Dean has existed. He waited for him for eons.

And Dean turned out to be so much more than Castiel ever imagined.

Dean is impetuous emotions and vulgar, incomprehensible statements. His soul is bright vicious flares of light, both welcoming and alarming. He is sullen and giving and proud and self-deprecating. He is innuendo and sharp angles and determination and luck. Castiel has never known another being like him, not in all the hosts of heaven and all the armies of the Earth. He makes no semblance of sense.

He is breathtaking.

And Castiel wants to give him everything.

He yearns to keep him safe. He wishes to protect him from harm and beg his forgiveness for his foolish doubts and actions. He wants him to enjoy every human experience he can, every single one he has missed in his lifetime of duty and service. And he wants to reconcile his pain and show him how brightly his soul guides those around him. Every desire he has, especially those Castiel cannot understand, he wishes to grant him. 

Castiel knows where Dean is now. He understands the choice he has made. Dean is only human, and the woman he has gone to, she is beautiful, and Dean has needs that Castiel could not fulfill. Or that Dean would probably not want him to fulfill. Castiel was stricken when he felt his first hot stab of jealousy. 

It still stings him with a bitterness he is only beginning to understand. He looked in once and felt a heated wave of emotions he had no preparation for. The slow thread of Dean’s fingers through her hair, the gentle press of one body to another, the meeting of lips that means so much and that Castiel will not share. His desire to replace her, to be what Dean desires, is profound. This is not duty. It sits differently within him, with a pain he does not think love is supposed to rend. He feels damned by his wants. He wants Dean Winchester, wants him happy and satisfied and needing Castiel in return.

And this is probably not love, Castiel reasons.

He supposes angels are not capable of it.

He has been told this.

And Dean deserves love.

And this dark-eyed woman can probably give him that.

And Castiel can give him nothing but a better world.

And Castiel must go.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to E. Inspired by Mr. Brightside by the Killers. Poor Cas. I think that in his place I would try to create a better world for Dean, too. Also yay rah existential suffering.
> 
> I am trying to get back in the habit of writing. It's been five years since I posted fanfiction. This is a first draft, so feel free to critique. Please be gentle. Hello!


End file.
